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Emotional Seduction for Better Sex

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Learn how to use your core erotic feeling for better sex.

Photo by Azrul Aziz on Unsplash

Seduction isn’t just about what you say and do. Ultimately, how your partner responds to you is a matter of how they feel. And while you cannot control and you are not responsible for their emotions, you likely have a significant influence on how they feel about sex. 

Tap into your emotions by asking yourself the following questions:

When you approach them, do you make them feel sexy? 

When you look at them, do you make them feel desired? 

When you touch them, do you make them feel loved? 

When you kiss them, do you make them feel playful? 

Do your words evoke feelings of shyness, playfulness, nervousness, and/or safety? 

Do your actions lead to feelings of power, subjugation, love, and/or relaxation? 

Does your body language put them at ease and help them to destress? 

Does your language help them to feel confident and empowered? 

Does your approach make them feel safe being vulnerable? 

When you initiate sex, do they feel surprised and excited? 

Does spending time together make them happy? 

The way you feel about sex is highly individual. And the feelings you associate with sexual desire, arousal, pleasure, and fulfillment also vary greatly from person to person. 

Some people find that they’re in the mood when they feel relaxed; others, however, have sex to relax and find that they want sex when they feel stressed out, as a way to unwind. 

Some find that their thoughts turn to sex when they’re already in a good mood, and others use sex to boost their mood. 

Some folks desire sex when they’re feeling confident and powerful, and others find that they are most in the mood when they feel safe enough to be vulnerable. 

It follows that if you’re going to become a master of seduction, your approach and skills will need to be adjusted according to the emotions you and your partner(s) associate with sex. If you want to meet their sexual needs, you will need to understand their emotional needs as well—in and out of the bedroom. And, of course, you will want them to do the same for you. 

One of the most effective ways to better understand, seduce, and entice your partner(s) involves tapping into their core erotic feeling. And if you want to teach your partner(s) how to seduce you, you will want to understand your core erotic feeling too. 

Your core erotic feeling is the feeling you require to get in the mood for sex. 

As you explore the emotions associated with past sexual experiences and fantasies, you will likely be able to identify emotional themes. You will probably observe that there is a specific feeling (or two) that you tend to associate with peak erotic experiences. Try to narrow them down to identify the feeling that is indispensable to sex for you—the emotion without which sex simply isn’t going to happen. 

After considering these questions, how do you most naturally fill in the blank? 

In order to (possibly) have sex, I need to feel ________________. 

We’ve put possibly in parentheses as a reminder that experiencing your core erotic feeling does not guarantee that you will want to have sex or that you will proceed to have sex, but simply that you are more likely to be open to sex. So, if you want to be open to sex, you will want to do the things that help to cultivate your core erotic feeling, and if your partner wants to be open to sex, they will want to cultivate theirs too. Ultimately, it’s up to you to access your CEF—your partner plays an important role too, but you need to begin with yourself. 


Happy. Powerful. Confident. Desirable. Sexy. Loved. Safe. Honoured. Relaxed. Stressed. Challenged. Jealous. At-risk. Empowered. Subjugated. Playful. Energized. Serene. Excited. Rested. Calm. Vulnerable. Sexy. Comfortable. Nervous. Daring. Inspired. Passionate. Liberated. 

How to Cultivate Your Core Erotic Feeling

Once you have identified your CEF, it is your job to make changes and shifts in your lifestyle, communication, and sex life to support this feeling (if you want to). 

For example, if your CEF involves feeling sexy and desirable, you need to lay the groundwork to allow yourself to feel this way. 

Consider . . . 

What daily activities make you feel sexy/desirable?

What daily activities detract from this feeling?

How do fundamental activities (e.g., sleeping and eating) affect this feeling? 

Can you make any small adjustments?

When do you feel most sexy/desirable?

Who are the people that support you in feeling sexy/desirable? 

What messages do you receive that make you feel sexy/desirable? 

What messages do you need to address that detract from feeling sexy/desirable? 

When was the last time you felt sexy/desirable? 

What were the circumstances and how can you recreate them? 

How do you hold yourself back from feeling sexy/desirable? 

What can you change moving forward? 

You can also ask your partner for support and show them how to make you feel sexy and desirable. They shouldn’t detract from these positive feelings, but it is also not entirely their responsibility to ensure that you experience them. Some people don’t like the language of instruction, but we believe that you have to teach your partner how to make you feel sexy (or another feeling that is important to you). 

·      Tell them what you want to feel.

·      Tell them why you want to feel it.

·      Be specific about how they can help you to feel this way. 

Real Women Explain Their Understanding Of Their Core Erotic Feeling 

“I just need to feel relaxed. I cannot be thinking about work or kids or family or anything else that stresses me out. So what I’ve learned is that I have to cut myself off from work a few hours before we go to bed. If I keep checking the emails, I’ll still have my head in the work game and sex is never going to happen. “

Donna, 29 

“My girlfriends and I have talked about this and so many of us agree that we want to feel desired—like the object of desire. If you make me feel sexy, I’ll probably want you to. I know you’re going to tell me that I have to make myself feel sexy too, and I know you’re right, but the thing that pushes me over the edge enough to have sex is when my lover lets me know that they want me.”

Jas, 31 

“I’ve always had a strong sex drive, but once I’ve been with a partner for a few months, I tend to lose interest. I think it has to do with being comfortable and knowing that I can have them. I guess I like the chase and that’s why the CEF concept makes sense to me. I need to feel some sort of challenge to want sex. If there’s no risk, I’m just not feeling it.”

Leilani, 30 

Discover More: Read Dr. Jess’s helpful article on tapping into your fantasies.

Author: Dr. Jessica O’Reilly is a teacher, author and sex educator whose doctoral research focussed on brief interventions designed to improve teachers’ knowledge and comfort level with sexual health education. Her practical relationship advice reaches millions each month and she travels extensively across the globe to work with couples to transform their relationships.You can find her online here.


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