I made a really big mistake recently. Not a small one. A costly one. The kind of mistake that makes your stomach drop the second you realize what you’ve done. I spent a lot of time beating myself up afterward, asking the same question over and over. Why did I make such a thoughtless decision?

I accepted something significant from someone blindly. Without asking the most basic questions. I know better. It’s one of those clear rules you don’t break, and yet I did. What made it worse was that this decision didn’t just affect me. It affected my partner too. That’s where the anxiety really took hold and that first night, I spiraled.

I thought about every possible negative outcome and felt the weight of knowing I had brought someone else into the consequences of my choice. I woke up the next morning embarrassed, anxious, and not wanting to get out of bed. Ironically, what I wanted most was to get out of the bed, since that was the very thing I had made the blind decision about.

In that moment, somewhere between shame and panic, I remembered what I wrote about last month. Instead of staying stuck in self-criticism, I decided to get curious. I asked myself why. Not to excuse what I did, but to understand it so I don’t repeat it.

What I realized was this. I am exhausted.

I feel small sometimes in this corner of the world, and I wanted something that felt like it was for me. I focused on the idea of what I wanted and ignored the practical reality of it. On top of that, I am deeply fatigued from decision-making. I am the mother to a 2.5-year-old and the default parent. I make the decisions about her life, her schedule, her growth, her needs. My partner is building his business, which means I also become the default decision-maker for our home and everything in it.  It’s not ideal, but also wasn’t something I was expecting.

Somewhere in all of that, my own needs get pushed to the very end. I take what is left, if there is anything left at all.

I know this isn’t sustainable. I know the weight that comes with being the default parent. I grew her. I brought her into the world. It’s hard to let go of control when you care this deeply. I would do anything to see her happy and set up for success. That love is powerful, but it’s also exhausting.

This mistake became a wake-up call. I cannot make every decision. I am not meant to. And if I try, I will make bad ones out of fatigue and desperation. I need to reserve my energy for the decisions that truly matter and start asking for help with the rest.

Maybe part of this, is the story I need to tell myself to move forward. But I don’t think it’s delusion. I think it’s mindfulness in practice. Getting curious instead of cruel. Learning instead of labeling myself as stupid.

2025 Shelley would have called herself a dummy for making a stupid mistake. 2026 Shelley can say I made a big mistake, without making it mean something about who I am negatively. My takeaway is that I need to ask for help and recognize when my cup is empty. I can learn what not to do next time.

And that feels like growth.