It’s hard to describe that moment I give myself now when I disconnect at the end of the night.  My internal out-of-office turns on, and I try to put the planning side of me to sleep. I’ve finally decided to give myself grace that the never-ending checklist of things will never be complete. I’ve done what I can where future Shelley won’t resent this current version of me.

Call it what you will; hustle culture, the daily grind, capitalism.  “I’ll sleep when I’m dead” is something I heard far too often growing up. It led me to believe my worth was measured solely by visible output. Things that proved a level of status; a clean house, taking vacations, having a family, or shiny new things to show off.

At some point I started feeling guilty that I wasn’t measuring up to others and felt an immense pressure to fix this flaw. While on maternity leave, I felt the need to always show what I was doing; the house needed to be tidy, I had to show I was a good enough mom, I always had to be “on”. While I wasn’t this person normally, not contributing financially made me feel like I needed to prove my worth more. The mental gymnastics of being the default parent was too much. I stopped focusing on myself. I was physically exhausted and drained. I stopped doing what made me happy.

I kept hearing my inner voice yelling at me that I was being lazy if I took time to unwind at the end of the night because there is always something that needed to be done. But I’ve learned the hard way that I need recovery time. Some days more than others because I can’t control my jittery brain. I remind myself constantly that it’s okay to go slow and remember what it means to take time for myself.

Self-care isn’t just about massages or spa days. It’s also understanding real happiness and knowing when I need to stop.  Rewarding myself for all the things my body accomplished. Even one small thing checked can allow for more things tomorrow.  Much like a yoga class ends in savasana to thank the body for showing up with stillness, I’ve developed a daily practice to allow myself the ability to reset before ending the day.

That moment when I take my feet off the floor, signaling to my brain that they’re not needed anymore.  I need my joints to be straight so my muscles can actually relax around my ankles, knees and hips.  It’s like my body is sighing relief. And I can feel it happening. I feel the individual muscle groups relax. I notice the muscles that take longer to rest or the ones that tense up faster.  I never actually realized this was the internal body scan I do naturally. 

I tend to curve my spine more than I should, but when I feel my lower back soften; it’s another indicator that my brain should slow down in this resting bodily state.  It can stop trying to pull at random thoughts and let go. My shoulders drop back reminding me how much I tend to tense them up or hunch over. Lastly that feeling of my jaw and cheeks loosening up. My tongue just hangs there.  Just thinking of what it’s doing in my mouth surprises me, yet it’s noticeable when it’s tensed up. Such a weird organ… 

I’ve read and listened to many people talking about the act of letting go and releasing tension. It’s one thing to hear it being said but it’s so different when you actually notice it happening to you. These ideas and practices aren’t new. But the moment it clicks is so pivotal and eye opening that it deserves to be written down, publicized and celebrated. In some ways, I feel like this is what life is meant for.  Getting out of that daily grind. 

This is my daily self-care practice.  I spent a lot of time burnt out before not realizing the importance of having that mind-body connection. My brain calms down when it feels safe in my body and my body has the ability to support this regulated nervous system. You can call this being lazy, but I call this bliss.